Monday, 27 December 2010

Where art thou?

Writing your worries down, writing about love, hate and pain; my stories enraptured with thousand other lives, tinted with their daily existence. But for me this world is an empty ground where none exists but me; I’m the sole player of my world. When will the others learn to let go of me?

New challenges are waiting for me. I need to go out and explore this world. I shouldn’t stop myself for anyone or anything. This is the time for new experiences.

Someday when I’m gone would you remember these times?
The entwined lips the crazy trips love filled in between
Where once we feared to touch each other now there’s melody
Thousand kisses rosy cheeks uncomfortable stares and glares
Holding hands love filled hugs smelling each other’s skin
Crying over useless worries future’s secured in else’s hand
The silence the sweet nothings the love you and love don’ts
Will you cry for me when I’m gone away?
Will you miss me on any day?
If you do then remember the times
Distance parts the mortal beings but for the ones in love
Sweet memories are treasured throughout
No cries no worries
Someday even I’d turn communist!
That day we’ll have coffee on the mountain cliffs
Discussing Marxism and Wiccanism!
Till then it’s goodbye my honey pie!

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Thoughtful Emptiness

To feel elated. To feel joyous. Does it need any reason? To be happy, no not the fake kind. But real happiness. Do we always need a reason to be happy? To close my eyes and smile without letting any thought invade its privacy. To glow in my own world. An empty world devoid of thoughts and memories, no not even good memories; just vast emptiness.

Friday, 1 October 2010


Open your heart into the mind;
Let the streams of sorrow engulf it and bind
There’s nothing for you to fear
Now that it’s all over here
But still lurking for the near future

Thousands of death that may stir your soul –
This Tsunami has battered and bruised many more.
Don’t sit back and fret over your losses,
It’s time to fight back the identity crisis,
And prove your worth in reality pages.

South-East Asia looks like a blooming tree,
Struck down by the fangs of lightning
Live and green ere now,
Bruised and barren moments later how?
How do you watch in despair this unending wrath of nature?

And as you help out people with medical succour,
You find celebrities doing publicity stunt even at this blue hour,
News channels churn out tall tales in the air,
Like sprouting weedlings rushing from nowhere,
This game of insanity drives you into a living fair.

U look up at the sky with deep gazing eyes,
To find if it was a God or Goddess you were looking for?
And then you realize, there ain’t anyone out there
To drop down a tear or two on your dismay
It’s just you paying your life’s fare.

Monday, 13 September 2010


Sitting here within my padded room, I leaf through the pages of my mind and somewhere down the line I remember having told you: I Love You! I can’t remember how you reacted that time; I can’t even recall my own reaction. Was the disappointment too hard to hold, in my crammed up memory space?

The few songs I used to listen to have lost their value; their price; their importance in my life – just like you. That single tube light hanging from the weathered light post has also lost its eyesight; contrasting my own. In the Past I used to say – “Oh this is what it’s like to feel rain when there’s not a cloud in the sky. This is what it’s like to watch the leaves fall in July.”

But now the times have changed.
Now at night I write in Pain:

“I've felt the suspense,
of a heart so condensed
Being pulled apart,
only waiting until it relents!
The pain you've inflicted,
love you've depicted
Seems so out of reach,
seems so restricted
Spoken words sound cryptic,
sound unrealistic
When you hold me and hit me in rounds so ecliptic
The sun leaves our facade,
glee starts to fade
I'm left with a puddle of blood in the shade!
When light sheds its disguise, there in your eyes
Something I can’t describe still holds its ties.
Somehow, I can’t depart,
somehow, I won’t impart
Severe and potent is your grasp on my heart!
Passive; aggressive and abusive, really the truth is
The ways of this girl stay constantly elusive
These bruises stain,
these scars remain
These lies are becoming too much to contain
Morphing into a stranger, I feel the danger
Fear runs through my veins as you fill with anger
Vulnerability haunted bliss, constantly you taunted it
I've dug myself a bottomless pit,
no I never wanted this,
no I never wanted this,
Have I ever wanted this?”

I’ve lost my mind. I can feel a throbbing pain rushing out of it, departing to all parts of my sore body. But my temples haven’t turned red, and people take it as an excuse to say - I’m happy and gay!

Past is Lost Future Imperfect, still can’t stop thinking bout how I screwed It!

“And when you think about ten years from now
think of how it all turned out
wish it was exactly how you wanted it to be
I’ll remember about ten years ago
will you remember how it will go?
I bet you didn’t think we'd be digging ourselves holes

ten years from now we might be dead
Mislead youth will be left to rule instead
ten years ago we all were fed
all those empty thoughts within our heads
and we won’t be able to escape the end
Still wishful thinking holds our ends!”

You always said I had my share of luck.
But never understood that Lady Luck was just playing Hide and Seek like You! She was even harder to please than you. I wish I turn mute with time, could just sit here in my padded cell and write. Don’t want to give excuses to live, the one excuse I have still lives in this world with me. But then I go back to my haunted past, and wake up the skeletons lying anxiously in my closet; the demons dormant in my head: to just keep writing about you and me…

“As I sit cold on the outside,
I watch pass this dreadful night,
Can't see ahead,
Can't see above,
All I see is distress,
I want to sustain all this strain

If you'd have walked away easy,
This heart would need no explaining,
This dreadful night would hold no meaning,
And this life wouldn't be worth living

But I'm sorry I tried,
I tried to hold you day and night,
I'm sorry I ran for you,
I tested my heart,
And it was true

Tired of these feelings,
I would never win again,
These wounds have no healing,
You've become my sin,
my mind,
my life

I'm sorry I tried,
I'm sorry I thought,
Thought of winning your heart,
Thought of making you a part,
of my life...

You've become...
my sin...
my mind...
my life...”

Pushing through my textbooks I came across this eternal piece of Shakespeare, Pure Bliss, Pure Bliss - the day you realize you'd be half way through to me:-

“Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend
Nor services to do, till you require:

Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant adieu:

Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those: -

So true a fool is love, that in your will
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.”

Now my dear tell me what am I to do? Isn’t it worth a try to forget the past? Or am I to die like this evermore:

“Coz now when I see you I die a bit more.
Know I was left to pick my heart off the floor.
But I have to face facts, lie down and take it.
Yet I'm happy because I know that you'll make it.
You shine girl, positively glow.
And there's one last thing I want you to know,
You complete me,
That I know.”

How much more time is needed? How much more time to declare I’m dead? Blood drips from my eyes but this longing to see your end still drives me by. Do you remember that piece of shit I wrote, when you left me hanging in this decrepit noose?

Glancing through my shattered diary I came across this piece laughing at me:

“Today, my pottery heart got smashed...
you collected the ceramic remnants...
you breathed porcelain on my crestfallen wounds,
and coated the fractures with glaze...
your paint faded like an old movie poster,
but your presence vibrantly shone its rays...
until the paint was vivid enough
to outshine the sun on its brightest of days...
you told me to remember the moon...
it was our symbolic, enamored bouquet...

it was a corsage not composed of chrysanthemums
but the redolent scent of the sun gone away...
the unmistakable fragrance of that antique dish
hanging in the sky in the middle of the day...

today, my pottery heart got smashed...
I slipped on the shards and I fell for you...”

I don’t know why I’m writing this stuff, but who cares bout what others think; I’m too fucked up and people know it. But don’t mistake my crude sense of rhyme - a bane to the reverberating thoughts in my mind.
"I’m not here to please others; if I please you my love’s divine!"

Wednesday, 4 August 2010


"She's always impatient with me, never listening to me, always misunderstanding. How do I tell her that I love her with all my life? What more can I do for her? But I can't scold her, can't hurt her. Please Baby trust me, I love you and only you. No one can come between you and me. But I shouldn't tell her anything. This isn't working out."

A small spark can ignite minds in this way he didn't know. If only S could reconcile at that moment they would have been happy, but that they didn't they…

S shuffled in between the cold sheets, he couldn't sleep. The night was turning her back towards him; he had nothing to keep himself warm. He closed his eyes and turned to his left, something struck him instinctively and he immediately turned to his right. He opened his eyes and life's reflection formed at the corner of his eyes, he shut his eyes and a tear rolled down his cheek.

S tried to sleep but he couldn't, he started thinking instead…

"That day is still distinct in my mind; she was acting like a kid and just failed to see my point. And even now, why does she not understand things my way, she's so quiet right now that I just feel so frustrated. Anyway I must sleep now. Can't do anything about it right now."

S was busy all day – working, and tiredness took over ultimately, unable to see his sorry state. He fell asleep with time, time – the biggest healer.


She lay there beside him. She lay there behind him. She lay there all around him. S has never been so happily perplexed in his life, but now it was a different time. With the ticking of time S was coming out of a century, learning new things. That's how the past few months of his life had been, and even now. Seeing her all around him, S felt a kind of satisfaction, a kind of relief – the kind of relief one gets when he realizes that he's breathing and alive.

-Hi Baby, what's up?
-Nothing much. You tell me.
-Accha where were you all this time? Sucker you can't message me?
-Sorry Baby been out with friends, couldn't message or call you.
-So where are you rite now?


Laughter. Subdued Laughter. Nowadays S has begun to laugh a little more than he used to, and there is, apparently, no dearth of elements to trigger such laughter. He sometimes feels he has had his fill of the world's splendours and now perhaps it's time to go. More laughter.

S tries hard to open his eyelids and look to his right but his strength has deserted him; following in the footsteps of others, strength too has understood that S is a lost case. However, S tries hard to move his hand all over the bed, to his right, with his drooped eyelids striving hard to open, but there is nothing; no one.

A small spark can ignite minds in this way he didn't know. If only S could reconcile at that moment they would have been happy, but that they didn't they…

S falls off to sleep again…


-Baby…Please tell me a story…
-A story? I don't have a story baby…Hmm…Okay give me time to think.
-How long do you need?
-As long as you'd allow, the more the better.
-Nai, jaldi se batao.
-First say you love me…
-I do… jaldi se batao naa…
-Okay Okay I've got it…now listen to this…


S got up with a start. A deep pain formed in his heart. He felt like crying out loud but he checked himself. Thoughts rushed through his mind and erupted in beads of perspiration. But still, his eyes were hard shut, seemed they could sense the fear within his heart, and seemed they feared what lay beside…

Somehow S pulled himself back to sleep, just like he imagined it to be – it felt good. She did the same thing to him. It felt good too.


At the other end of the same bed where S is sleeping, P contemplates.....

"He's such a fucker in life, always complaining, why does he always have to say things in this way? Can't he just understand things my way, at least at times? I'm crying here and he just doesn't seem to care. He acts so unreasonable. I'm not saying anymore. He must understand that he hurts me so badly at times."

P was madly in love with S. She had no idea who fell in love first, neither did she care about it, because all she wanted was love and more love, and that she got in enormous amount but with its equal share of sadness. P still failed to understand S completely, he seemed a different person at different times. She loved this about him, and at the same time hated it with all her mighty heart. He was so complex and so different, which was good, but secretly P wished S had more things in common with her.

With time S had stopped saying mushy stuff, actually he had never been romantic but at least occasionally he used to be romantic. Now with time, S has totally stopped saying or doing anything romantic. In fact P has to literally beg him to say that he still loves her. This was frustrating for P, which is so normal.

"Why do I always have to beg him? Bloody Fucker, what does he think of himself? I want him to tell me whatever's going on his life, but he hardly does that. Why is he losing patience? Why does he get angry nowadays? Maybe he's tired of listening to me all day. Maybe, maybe not. But this isn't what I wanted. I wanted him to have his say. Tell me what's wrong and what's right. Guide me. But he just doesn't seem to care. I'm so tired of his quietness. This isn't working out."

A small spark can ignite minds in this way she didn't know. If only P could reconcile at that moment they would have been happy, but that they didn't they…

P was lying, tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried hard to stop, but couldn't. She rolled to her right to get the tissue paper. The coarse paper was no comfort to her wet eyes, her swollen face and disturbed mind. Instead, she found comfort in her thoughts.

"The perfect guy, God I really thought him to be the perfect guy. But nobody's perfect. How he has changed with time, why has he changed? How do I tell him that he's still the perfect guy for me? How do I tell him that he's my world? How do I become more expressive? Ya he goes on complaining all the time, tell me things, tell me things, bloody asshole. How many more times should I tell him that I can't be more expressive? I love him. I love him like I've never loved someone before. Love me the way I am."

Flustered with anger and frustration, P's ears turned burning red. Her swollen face lit up and she got out of the bed. She couldn't lie there anymore. She had to pee. She's been holding herself ever since it all started.

Back from the loo, P stood in front of the bed for sometime and watched S sleeping as ifthe world had no existence. Her mind was totally blank, she looked plaintively and numbness took over her whole body and form. Suddenly she realized she had college the next day, she quickly got in bed and shut her eyes. Sleep eluded her for sometime, she turned and rolled to be comfortable, but nothing helped. Finally she turned to her left and feebly opened her eyelids; she quickly shut it back and went off to sleep with a faint smile round the corner of her face.

A small spark can ignite minds in this way she didn't know. If only P could reconcile at that moment they would have been happy, but that they didn't they…

She started dreaming…


-Baby…Please tell me a story…
-A story? I don't have a story baby…Hmm…Okay give me time to think.
-How long do you need?
-As long as you'd allow, the more the better.
-Nai, jaldi se batao.
-First say you love me…
-I do… jaldi se batao naa…
-Okay Okay I've got it…now listen to this…
-Hey Baby…
-I love you…
-I love you too Baby…Now jaldi jaldi listen to my story….



-The story begins in the land of animals. Basically we all are animals, but in this land each animal was different and yet so alike. Like the million other animals of this land, Shano was also a part, relatively a small part but his story is one that would last a lifetime.

-In the rainy forests of Kumanti, lived a pack of red kangaroos. Shano was the youngest of this family, and though everyone loved him, he never understood their love, never was happy with the love they bestowed upon him. He always stayed aloof and though he acknowledged their love but deep within he resented them. He knew their secrets and their flaws and this created a sense of dejection within him.

-Now Shano was a dreamer, he wanted to do a lot in life, wanted to reach out and help others, but he never stuck to one thing for long. He moved on with life and life moved on with him.

-Okay now you have Shano, the kangaroo. Now you continue with the story…
-Me? Arre nai nai…Baby you continue please…
-No, now it's your turn.
-Hmm…Okay I'll try…


Convergence of Dreams


-Me? Arre nai nai…Baby you continue please…
-No, now it's your turn.
-Hmm…Okay I'll try…

-So, as it goes Shano lived with his family in the Kumanti rainy forests. At and around the same time, lived a small little white squirrel, named Poogly, in the far off forests of Madhuvanti. She was happy with her life, content and had no major complains. Her family loved her and she loved them too. Life was good and she enjoyed everything about her.

-In her life she fell in love with other squirrels but none could love her for long. Something always seemed lacking in them, somehow she moved on with life and dreamed that one day the perfect squirrel would come into her life and sweep her off her little feet. As of now she was happy getting acquainted with prospective partners and keeping her relationships hushed from her family.

-She had a number of friends, and all her friends loved to be with her. She loved them too and shared a lot of her stories with them, almost everything. She used to invite her friends to her drey and chat over cashew nuts and fruits. She loved to eat nuts and cooked delicious dishes for her friends, for as it goes, she loved to make others eat too. Once she had even told her friend, that she had a special liking for squirrels who ate a lot because she found it cute.

-Accha now it's back to you Mr. Writer. Lead on…
-Very well done my love. Indeed you are amazing. I think I just fell in love with you all over again.
-Oh! Really? How Sweet!
-Sweet Indeed!


P turned left and right in her sleep. She adjusted her left hand and slid it below her pillow. She turned and lifting herself, she lay on her stomach. She seemed relieved, the smile was still present, but it just broadened. She went off to sleep again.


-Sweet Indeed!
-Now that we've got Shano and Poogly, tell me what kind of a story should it be?
-A love story with a happy ending.
-How predictable!
-Of course! I love being predictable. Love repeating myself. After all it's you baby. With you I don't mind anything.
-Oh! Baby, I love you so so much.
-Now don't say anything, please continue with the story, and don't stop. I want to hear the entire story tonight.
-As you say my love.

-So, as the story goes Poogly and Shano lived their respective lives, unaware of the times to come; unaware of the presence of the special someone, life's complexities and life's surprises.

-Shano grew up to be a normal Joey, though in the beginning his mom feared that he might be abnormal, after all he hardly interacted with his family members. All other kangaroos used to hop, skip and jump, filled with life they wanted to explore new lands, but Shano never followed them. In the beginning he hardly came out of his mother's pouch, and then, the day he did, he started working for his family. In his heart he too felt the rush, cause after all his mind was still young, but he always checked himself. He feared to leave his mom.

-One day he had a big fight with his dad, as he was short tempered, he lost his cool and at night he packed his bags and hopped out of his home. He was sick and tired of his life. It was time for Shano to learn new things, see life as it is, and fall in love. It was his destiny and he couldn't alter it.

-After two days of hopping Shano at last reached a clearing. He had no idea that he had left his forest long time back and was now in foreign territory. He was in the land of squirrels -Madhuvanti. As he jumped about he heard something move, a ruffling of the autumn leaves. He strained his eyes and looked at his feet. All he could see was a fluffy ball of snow.
'Hey stranger, what's your name?'
-Shano looked keenly and found the ball of snow missing from near his feet. It had moved a few feet ahead and in fact it was a living animal. Much smaller than the ones his eyes were used to, but very pretty; oh so pretty! The voice struck a chord in his heart and he could sense something happening to him, his eyes drooped and he looked at his feet again. He replied.
'I'm Shano, I've lost my way. Who are you?'
'I'm Poogly, I live here in this forest with my parents, I'm a squirrel, but you don't seem to be a squirrel. Are you a jackal? My dad says that we must never go near jackals, because when they are hungry they might just eat us off. I mean I don't mind if you are a jackal, but please don't be hungry at this time, it's hardly morning.'
'No, no I'm not a jackal, I'm a Joey.'
'A Joey? Now what's that? Where have you come from?'
'I'm a Kangaroo, and why do you ask where I've come from? Isn't this Kumanti forest?'
'Oye Hero, this is Madhuvanti forest and stop playing with me. Tell me seriously are you a Kangaroo or a Joey?'

-All this time Shano had his eyes glued to the ground, but on hearing this he suddenly raised his head and looked at Poogly. This time Shano amassed enough courage to look into her dark brown eyes; he could understand that God has been equal to everyone. This little creature, defenseless and yet so brave, was looking straight at him, didn't budge at all cause her mind and heart was pure. Shano understood the reason behind her beauty. He told her his story and suddenly he felt like telling her more and more. But there was nothing more about him. His life has been so blank all these years.

-Poogly took Shano to her folks and introduced him as her friend. In the beginning everyone was apprehensive and scolded Poogly for bringing trouble, but with time everyone started to like Shano. He helped Poogly's mom and dad with their daily chores and even played with her when she wanted him to. Secretly Shano started liking Poogly, something he had never felt before took over and he lost his appetite and even his sleep. He used to work all day and at nights he used to think about her.

-Then one day, Shano found Poogly crying near the pond. He heard from a long distance and a pain developed within his heart too. He went up to her and sat down beside her.

'What's wrong Poogly?'
'No one loves me. My mom and dad scolded me. They are never happy with whatever I do. Why can't I live my own life?'
-Shano didn't say anything. He loved to listen to her, Poogly spoke well and it pleased him. He never wanted to cut short her.
'Shano, please tell my dad, that's it's not yet time for me to get married, I haven't seen much of life and all the squirrels bore me, none of them can keep me happy.'
'Then who'll keep you happy Poogly?'
-Shano looked in her eyes, she looked into his. It seemed that moment would never pass, it kept repeating itself. But Poogly looked away. She held Shano's hands and pulled him deep into the forest.
'Come with me. I'll show you what keeps me happy.'
-Through the forest Poogly ran, with Shano behind her. She was laughing all the way, trying to hide from Shano. But Shano wasn't far behind; he hopped and jumped to keep up with her pace. He felt a joy in his heart and wanted to tell her everything. Finally they reached the darkest region of the forest. A banyan tree stood tall in front of them and Poogly was staring at it intently.

'What is it Poogly?'
'Shano, this is place where I want to live. This is the perfect place where I want my guy to build a tree house for me. See the long grasses here. In the summer I want my guy to lie down here with me and play with me. I'm a dreamer Shano and I want a life full of dreams. I want my guy to fulfill all my dreams, and trust me none of the squirrels I see can ever fulfill my dreams. I don't want to lead a normal life Shano. I want a life filled with love.'
-Poogly looked at Shano with expectation, Shano tried to look away, but he couldn't. He held her hand and kissed it. He kneeled down and held Poogly's right hand.
'Hey Princess of far away dreams, I'm here at your feet. A creature so different than what you are; different tastes and priorities, leading a life of misery and pain, but if you would take my hand then I promise I'd make you the princess of my life, my priority. Give you all the happiness you seek and fulfill all your dreams. Build the tree house for you and stay with you forever. Protect you with my life and love you more than myself. I've liked you for a fair time, and maybe loved you too, but never had the courage to tell you everything. Now I'm here at your feet with my eyes held high, so you could see the truth in my eyes.'
'Oh! Shano, what do I say? Thank you so much for loving me, but I just don't know what to say. Everything's happening so fast.'
'Dear Poogly my mom's sick and I'm going home today, I'll come back for you within a week to hear your answer. I love you and I won't deny it in front of anyone, whether it be your family or mine. Goodbye for now.'

-Saying this Shano hopped off without even looking back for once; without giving Poogly a second chance to speak her heart out. Ever since Shano started staying with her family, Poogly felt a change developing within her, she had become more caring and concerned about him. She liked him and often looked at him while he worked in the fields. She didn't want to accept the fact that she was falling in love with Shano, how absurd would it sound to her friends and family. Would anyone accept them? All these questions disturbed Poogly, but now she had no doubt. She had seen the truth in Shano's eyes and she knew no one could keep her happier. He was the perfect guy for her. Different species, different size, nothing mattered, love was the sole criterion and she felt happy that she was loved by Shano.

-Time passed but no news came from Shano's side. A month passed and still Shano didn't return. In the mean time other squirrels tried to win her heart, but Poogly refused them all. No one could take Shano's place, she had given her heart to him, and she knew he'd come for him. He'd keep his promise.

-One day Poogly's dad brought the news of a civil war erupting in the outskirts of Madhuvanti forest; we must build furrows and hide immediately. Her dad called her to his room and told her –
'Poogly I want you to marry someone immediately, it's time you got married.'
'But dad I can't marry someone without loving that person.'

'So start loving someone.'
'But dad, I already love someone, and I'm waiting for that person to come here.'
'Whom do you love my girl? I'm so happy you found someone. You intend to marry him? Where's he right now?'
-Poogly knew the truth meant too many questions, and too many questions meant trouble. But now there was no backing out.
'I love Shano'
'Shano? The kangaroo? Are you out of your mind?'
'I knew you'd react in this way dad, but we've decided. I'm waiting for him.'
'I've never argued with you my girl, I just want your happiness, but are you sure he'd come back for you?'
'Yes dad I have faith in my love and faith in him. He'd surely come for me.'

-The matter ended there but Poogly's friends began questioning her, she however eluded them dexterously. However, as more time passed Poogly began to worry about Shano's state, she wanted to somehow contact him. One day she got a pigeon for herself and then she wrote a letter and sent it along with the pigeon to her beloved Shano.
In the letter she wrote…

"I love you. Waiting for you."

-On reading the letter Shano just couldn't stay at home any longer. His mom had been keeping him away all this time but now this letter fuelled his love and he rushed out of his house to meet his love Poogly. He faced all sort of trouble at home and away but ultimately he reached his destination. With love he won over Poogly and her family and ultimately build the tree house for her; and yeah did everything that she asked him to do. As the story goes Shano held Poogly's hand once but never let go off it since.

-Hey you liked it?
-I liked it? Oh! Baby I loved it…
-Is this how you imagined the ending to be?
-Hmm…not exactly…


S got up from his sleep. He couldn't exactly recall the dream that he just had but he was sure he had a dream. Damn his memory was getting weak. He stretched himself and held his hand out to see the time…


-Hmm…not exactly…
-I wanted Shano to come up to Poogly and ask for forgiveness. And Poogly would give him one whack on the back. Bloody where was he all this time? Can't he like message her? And then Poogly would kiss his lips and hold his strong hands and live happily ever after…


Suddenly P felt something stroking her hand. It felt nice, but she was so sleepy she couldn't open her eyes. She tried hard to hold on to the fading bits of the dream she had. It felt more real than her daily life. But she couldn't connect the bits of her fading dream. She tried hard but her mind drifted to the thing on her hand. She held the thing tightly and it felt like a hand. She felt happy. She knew the connection. Everything was real. She said I love you baby. A heavy voice resounded the same thing in her ears. She smiled with her eyes closed. A warm pair of lips touched her luscious lips. She held it tightly. She had never been so happy ever before.

A small spark can ignite minds in this way they didn't know. If only S and P could reconcile at that moment they would have been happy, but that they didn't they…were much happier.

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Unknown Future

tomorrow is a distant future, unknown, formless and dark

today i live in fear of that future which is unknown, formless and dark

i cross my feet; sit and stare

waiting for you to be here

maybe then i'll see hope, life and love in the unknown future...

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Longing Heart

I can see the fading bits of twilight littering the western sky. The disturbance of the day fading into the vastness of the night sky. The transient being knows not what time it is, he doesn’t even care. He’s lost and lonely. For him even the glowering light of day seems like sunset!

When hearts each door
Leads to the same name
When distress fills the soul
And you don’t know whom to blame
Then you must step aside
And let life play its own game!

Friday, 7 May 2010


Cinderella, Princess Cinderella
That’s what she likes me to call her
Her eyes are green, they spark and gleam
Her touch feels velvety porcelain
And when she swirls,
Her hair just twirls
‘Cause she is,
The Queen of this world

Cinderella, Princess Cinderella
Brown-black locks adorn her
She draws and paints, cartoons on a stage
Makes her mom run out of page
Dear sister, don’t worry ‘bout the future
Just aim for the target
‘Cause there’s always an option
Choose painter or a poet

Cinderella, Princess Cinderella
Happiness written all over her
You are so small, just nine
But already so smart, witty and fine
For others you may be,
Shinjini and Megha
But for me, you’d always be,
My Princess Cinderella

Cinderella, Princess Cinderella
She’s my cutest little sister
As she grows, she’d learn more
But mustn’t change her sweetest soul
Life changes, time changes
Lots of things would come in pain
Do what you do, just always remember
You and I, brother and sister would always remain!

- - Sorry For Everything!

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Departed - -

Drops of Rain falling, so cold, so dark
Let me light your night for one last time
You are falling, so slow, so hard
Let me carry you through this tonight
Time is running out, I can tell you’re scared
So let me stay until the end comes here

Tears are falling, so sad, so true
Let me wipe them off for one last time
Heart is lost, so cold, so lonely
Let me give you the warmth I have
Feelings are given away, I feel your end near
So let me carry you away from here

As the dreams break reality dawn
U were here but now you are Gone

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Wording Love

So, you think that I have stopped writing to you
But in every thought I only find you,
It’s impossible to not think about you
Through memories and anecdotes I find you here beside me
Through the crispy blue sky and multitude of stars and sea
When I talk to you, you are beside me, whispering
When I shut my eyes, images distant, but real are appearing
Love, my love, there’s nothing to fear
Someday soon I will hold you near
Roll down my fingers over your face
Make you mine every day, from day to night, night to day
So for now let us enjoy this awaiting journey
This is what we have, so why not make the best of memories
Distant lives but strewn together
Wrapped with care and comfort in boxes called “made for each other”
My love, I am always there beside you,
Sitting on your bed, kissing you
Unravelling your beauty with my hands and lips
Seeping in every smell, every inch of you
The inherent wonder of love is here within me
It’s there within you
Everywhere around us, everywhere we go
So be good and enjoy this view
Of my long lost tales and forbidden fruits
The rollercoaster ride through time and space
Someday I will take you too with myself
You remain my soul mate from younger years
I have loved you long, loved you strong
Loved you with inhibitions and courage less fears
Through nights and days, alone and dreaming
Wondering but never forgetting
My eyes were captivated with wondrous joys
To me, you remain the greatest the most beautiful toy
Adjectives and words will fall short to describe you
Your talent and prowess will forever continually instigate me
I am here beside you, you are there beside me
These never-ending poems are my only solace
Through time and space, I want to touch your face
Promises I don’t make, But I love you, I say

Words are all I have to give you today!

Thursday, 11 March 2010

over the stories learnt in nursery
then forgotten in the rush to grow up
the fairy seemed lost and neglected
but just when everything seemed like reality
up came a figure that coloured life

back with innocence and wonder!

Love matters!

Love! What does it mean? Why do I keep looking for love? Does everyone do that? Maybe they do, cause after all love is a universal feeling. But what does love mean to me? Is it any different than the thought itself? When I say love, what do I actually think about? Let me think…ya it reminds me of the time when I climbed the pipe of my girlfriend’s house just to wish her on her birthday. It reminds me of the numerous metro rides during one chilly winter in Calcutta. That winter the warmth of the metro stations drew our hearts closer but by the following summer the heat grew unbearable and she became history. Numerous faces, different times, numerous incidents, that’s all that I gather out of love today. My heart doesn’t skip a beat anymore, nor does it think about any single resounding name. My cluttered brain is too full of images to distinguish them, to disintegrate them to locate the exact meaning of love. To me love is just a fleeting thought which knocks on my door repeatedly without invitation. But it does feel good when it does, because then it does feel like love.
Every detail is accounted for
And every thought portrayed.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

An Ode to Explode

O! Dear Death!
Come alive;
Pour Venom
Take me home

Born to bear the Earth
A berth of mirth,
Life grains been revolving around,
As air did them surround

Now rolling on the hot sands
With alien glee;
Now flying in the aerodrome
Fast and free

Now gliding down the heaving hills
Red and hot;
Now flowing to the niveous poles
Chilled to the clot

Then, Oh! The spooky Binder came
To play the grimy game;
Some grains It cast into bizarre molds,
And flung them into vying folds

Plants and fish, birds and beasts
Came to fists,
To flourish long and muster strong,
Till Man came and proved them wrong

Thus, are harried with pains and pangs
One and all;
For, It had crushed them all beneath
Envy and hate, miseries and death

So, life here stinks
From the Abyss;
I bleed and sue
And pine for You

My grains often seek,
Pry out and prick
To wriggle out and fly
To the void of the sky

So, let them all, O Tyrant!
Dismantle and be vagrant;
In the heaven let them roll,
And then mingle with the whole

Till they spring up again
In the Nidus Pristine
But, with unaching hearts
And souls so divine

That they may get back
The happiness they lack
And ‘I’ may fuse in ether
Unborn and Undying for ever

Tuesday, 2 February 2010


“Do you still remember the school days?” Tia asked, the oh-so-familiar infectious smile adorning her beautiful lips; her hair falling in coloured streaks behind her shoulder contrasting her beautifully carved face. This was something new because in school she was a revolt against hair colouring and now after just four years she was flaunting it as if portraying her new found independence. Tia was gorgeous in her own right but never exploited it. It was for that reason she resembled a wallflower, yet she was still too distinct to go unnoticed.
Tia paused for me to reply but when I kept staring and grinning at her stupidly, occasionally sipping coffee from my cup, she whispered: “I’m sorry Rohit, I really am.”
I was seated beside her on the cozy sofa but still couldn’t make out what she had just said. Actually I didn’t want to.

It was the third Saturday of chilly January and I was supposed to catch on the afternoon show of ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’, the first blockbuster movie of 2006, with Sonia, but as the temperature dropped I thought about having some coffee before picking her up from Exide More.

But now, after just fifteen minutes since entering the café, (and meeting Tia) I was consciously willing to forget everything about Sonia. I was willing to forget the days we had spent together. I was willing to forget the boisterous nights we had spent at Tantra. I was willing to forget the countless rides we took at Nicco Park. I was willing to forget the number of times we kissed while watching movies between infuriated aunties. I was willing to forget the evenings we spent watching television in her apartment. I was even willing to forget her name. But memory isn’t short-lived like the nightly companion who leaves you in the morning without even caring to say goodbye. It sticks by leaving its shadows forever.

The ambience at the Café Coffee Day, situated a few blocks from Inox Forum, right in the heart of Kolkata was in contrast to its usual self. Though it was a weekend the tables weren’t occupied and even the jukebox stood in defiance to the sudden turn of events. I was seated alone criticizing the lugubrious mood of the café, thinking why suddenly had the Kolkata crowd disowned the winter, when Tia dropped in, right back into my life without any sort of invitation, just the way she had done four years before.

“Hi, I’m Tia, where is Class X D?”
That was the best excuse she could come up with (four long years before) so as to indulge me into speaking with her, breaking my code of shyness. At that moment I had thought about pinching myself to make sure it was real, but her elegant figure just a few inches from mine grounded me in reality.

Tia and I studied in the same school, Kendrayalan, Himati being the name of our town, but hardly crossed each other’s path.Himati was a nice town located thirty kilometers from Kolkata. The place was interchangeable with almost any other small town surrounding Kolkata. Himati had the usual main street strip with the post office, hardware stores, the town hall and playgrounds sprouting every few blocks. The same families have been in the town for generations. The high school Kendrayalan was as generic as the town. It had the clearly divided social (congenial) groups and the big events at the school included football games, dances, fests, and the annual talent show. Everybody knew each other well enough in our school, which had its disadvantages. It was difficult to change yourself and you were stuck where you were in the social scene practically bound to stick with the same bunch of friends. I wasn’t particularly fond of the school and like most students, I couldn’t wait to get out of the town and head to the city.
Tia was the most sought after girl in High School and I the never-existing one.Well I still don’t understand why she had picked on me out of the innumerable interesting types. Literally I never started with the mushy gossips that we had, I was always lured into them by her animated sweet-talk. I was too conscious on those days and maybe that’s why I missed out on proposing her. I should have realized then that there is always a tide in the affairs of men.
Our friendship was limited to frivolous coquetry, always trying to impress each other but never aware of the true sensation. Maybe my usual laconic nature prevented me from reaching out but then I never regretted my decisions, until now.

“Rohit, are you listening,” Tia raised her voice a bit, her soft hands caressing my rough ones. A bolt of thunder swept through my body and I pulled back my hand in protest, startled out of my reverie.
“I’m sorry,” I replied, “What were you saying?”
“Oh! You have not changed a bit, still being the overly-thinking type?” Tia giggled and spoke sipping into her cup of cold coffee.
I usually don’t understand why girls laugh at such stupid thoughts but with Tia I had always thought otherwise. I had always felt vulnerable in her presence and still fondly remember the times I stammered while speaking to her in school.
I was embarrassed to have startled to her touch, but Tia didn’t mind, after all we had never touched each other or even cared to during our school stint.
“Would you like to have something other than coffee?” I blurted out trying to keep up the conversation.
“No, thank you,” Tia replied, cleaning her lips with a tissue paper, “I’m full. I just had dinner at my aunt’s place. Anyways tell me how your life is going, how many girlfriends did you make within these four years?”
“Well…not many, just a few here and there. You know how I am.”
“Oh really! That’s great! I mean, I never thought you could go up to a girl and ask her out, you know in school, how you used to be and we used to make fun of you saying that your wife would have to make the first move on the first night.” Tia giggled once more. This time her laughter was accompanied by a smirk as if she was trying to say that she didn’t buy what I had just told. She snuggled her arms around mine, getting cozy ignoring my discomfiture.
“You don’t believe me?’ I said, literally trying to convince her, and then added as an afterthought, “You never told you discussed such gross things about me.”
“Oh just don’ mind. Those are usual girly stuffs, nothing serious.”
“Would you mind giving a sneak-preview of your so called girly stuffs and describing what else you discussed about me?” I tried my best to keep up the conversation but ended up asking stupid questions.
“Umm…nothing much, you never featured in our to-do list,” she replied coolly.
I was flabbergasted to hear this. I never thought sub-urban girls did such things, but I hid my amazement and tried to drift into serious talk.
“What about your studies? Where are you studying?” I asked.
“I’m doing my graduation from Bhawanipur College,” she replied, “Actually I wanted to take up Mass Comm…but then…anyways what are you up to nowadays?”
“Well I’m looking for a job, there are some interviews lined up next month, let’s see if it works out, till then I’m keeping my fingers crossed,” I said, feigning the fact that I had left my studies long time back and was now working at one of BPO centers, precisely Globitech Call Center.

“Wow that’s great news!” Tia was ecstatic, throwing her arms around my neck so as to congratulate me. When’s the party?”
“Oh don’t get elated ‘bout it, there’s still a month to go,” I replied skeptically. Being the same old apprehensive guy.

Four years before when I had landed in Kolkata trying to attain higher studies to fulfill my parents’ wish, it had never occurred to me that I would end up at the call center, flogging late nights, trying to lure strangers into buying stupid products. Now, after four years the all-nighters seem to have strengthened me into…umm…nothing much, but at least I’m now capable of paying my bills and leading my life with some amount of responsibility and freedom.

“So, bal aar ki khobor?” said Tia, a faint smile endorsing her dimpled cheeks.
I was suddenly struck dumb by this switch of language. Working at the call center had stripped me of my mother tongue, to an extent that even my parents had difficulty conversing me.
“Bhaloi achi, kono rokome kete jacche. Hey would you like to drop down at my place sometime?” I replied, adjusting to the language shift.
Tia glared.
“What? Are you insane?” she exclaimed, “What made you think that?”
“Wow…Don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking for a night stay.” I replied hysterically.
An unprecedented silence took over.

What had happened to me, why the hell did I ask her such a thing? I remember four years back when I had asked her out, she had replied in almost the same line, she always excused herself saying that her parent’s wouldn’t allow her to go out.

“Rohit, you know I’m sick of my life, everything’s getting unbearable,” Tia started, a deep frown appearing on her forehead.
“Why, what’s wrong with life, you don’t look depressed?” I said bluntly, adding, “I know life’s tough, but you never complained till now. Remember in school how optimistic you used to be and…”
“I know, I know, and forget it I’m not asking for help it’s just that I feel a bit depressed nowadays,” Tia sniggered.

I could swear she was hurt but Tia would never let a person know her true feelings and always acted stubborn, showcasing her buoyant mood.
“Would you like to tell me ‘bout it,” I said, concerned but just that wee bit.
“No, I’m okay,” she replied. “Besides, I’ve learnt to live on with it. Anyways are you still into singing?”
“Not much, its tough getting hold of the music business,” said I, “Besides, I’m looking for a job. I still have my band but now we only perform at friends’ parties.”
“Rohit, I’m still a big fan of your songs. I still remember the songs you used to sing at school. Would you sing a song for me, please?” Tia pleaded.
“A song…now! You are so good at malai-maroing,” I exclaimed, I wasn’t prepared for this sort of a request. I once more fell into her trap.
“Why, am I asking too much?” she bemused, “Come on pull up your pants, don’t be such a sissy.”

Sissy: An effeminate man or boy. That’s what the Oxford Dictionary says and maybe that’s exactly what I’ve become to her, a sissy.”

“Umm…okay,” I looked around to see if anyone was watching, the cafe looked in its forlorn best, “This is a song by C21, it candidly describes my feelings towards you, do you still wanna hear it?”
“Go on, I already know what you feel,” she snapped back.
“What do you know? But I never told you anything!” I was stunned to hear her.
“Now don’t get me late, I have a date lined up, get on with the song,” she replied, her voice striking a high note to acclaim its authority.
“Seriously, I don’t think it’s a good idea singing out here…”
“Rohit…” she shouted, staring at me as if to devour me whole.
“I mean,” I gulped, my viewpoints mixing and dissolving with the saliva, “I mean there’s no audience to applaud my performance.”
“You sing or I walk out that door never to return back,” she stood up, her face flushing with fury.
“No, no, I’ll sing, please sit down,” I pleaded, oh gosh I was giving into her just like the thousand previous times, she sat down and I stood up.
“Okay here it goes. Aahmm, Aahmm (Voice check).

Say … say it ain’t over,
‘Cause my heart is crying for you.
Down … deep down you know that,
So can you forgive me the truth?
I kept my feelings inside of me,
But now I can see.

Don’t wanna lose you.
I’m here to stay.
Did I confuse you – girl?
Believe when I say.
I never meant to,
Oh … hurt you that way
Coz I can’t take a day without you.
Here by my side.”

“Wow, you’re superb! That was amazing, thanks,” Tia exclaimed.
I sat down and said: “Tia, now that I’ve satisfied your request, you’d have to promise something to me.”
“Umm… I can’t promise anything but let’s hear your proposition,” she replied.
“Would you like to join me in the afternoon show of the ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’?” I asked, cautiously.

Sorry Sonia I totally forgot about you at that point of time.

“Rohit I told you I’m out on a date, I’m here to meet Pete,” she replied, “You know Pete? He’s…”
“Ya, ya I know him,” I snapped back unable to suppress my annoyance, “Anyways I’m sorry I asked, you’d better be going, even I need to pack up ‘cause this café is freaking me out.”
I got up to pull out my wallet but she pulled me down, I stumbled back on the seat with a jolt. Her grip on my hand seemed much stronger than what I had expected.
“Rohit…Are you still angry with me? I’m sorry. I never thought we would end up this way,” Tia sighed.
“No. I’m not,” I replied loud and clear, “I’m not angry with you, I’m angry with myself, I’m angry with the situations I created, I’m angry with the surroundings I created.”
“What do you mean?” Tia asked, her voice wavering with distraught.
“Listen I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly the number of sorry that we spoke were getting uncountable, “I should have told you about it long time but I never had the guts to, I Love You. I always thought you knew ‘bout my feelings but myself couldn’t express it.
As I spoke a sudden sense of calmness filled down my throat. I felt jubilated and renovated as if I had solved the greatest mystery of the world. I felt like throwing my hands up in the air and embracing Tia to make her believe. She was still, her face bored, hiding her inner thoughts. Girls are always manipulative, most of them are.

“No Rohit, it’s not possible anymore. You missed the bus long time back,” she said with the same sort of indifference.
I was stunned and stupefied beyond imagination. I seethed with disappointment but nothing could be hidden from her. Tia had this incredible ability of reading my mind. She replied: “I too had felt something for you in school but you never proposed. I always wanted our relationship to work out but it never took off. I’m sorry, now it’s too late.”
“Why would you be sorry when I’m at fault? I shouldn’t have surmised from the outward appearance, anyways I respect your decision.” I paused to regain breath. “Can we still be friends?” I asked tentatively knowing it would be of no use. I didn’t have the power to confront her decision.
“Of course we can,” she replied, her vivacious smile returning to its lost abode, “Give me your cell number and from now onwards we could constantly be in contact. Listen, don’t sulk, it wasn’t your fault, and, we both are at fault.”
“Thanks, I thought I had lost you totally. A friend like you would be truly valuable. Take down my number its 9009081111,” my heart ached with pain but my face told a different story.

Suddenly the awkwardness we had felt four years before buoyed up, formal dialogues filling the air, as if adding insult injury.

“I don’t have my cell right now, I would give you a call and let you know my number,” said Tia, taking down my number on a piece of paper. “Okay I would have to rush it’s almost three now.”
“Bye,” Tia gripped my hands for the last time, her velvety touch brushing my skin for the last item.
She left the café as swiftly as she had entered, depriving me of either inviting her or bidding her adieu. She left behind her sweet memories and the pungent odour of the deodorant, memoirs to last my lifetime. I stood up lingeringly and arched my back, paid the bill and walked out of the café.
Jon Bon Jovi had once said: “No man is an island.”
But in ‘About a Boy’ Hugh Grant says “Every man is an island, some are free others are linked on the ocean surface by island chains.”
I would go with the latter statement, we are basically islands, sometimes we are just lucky enough to meet the neighbouring island and form island chains, and some times no matter how hard we try the current just drifts the fancied island apart. But inherently we are always on the lookout to form island chains, after all we are human beings; we need backup.

Monday, 4 January 2010


Year ends year and semesters roll by
Still thou have retained thy past glamour
Instances of change hardly deter you
Why, tell me why dost thou never mortify?

Through those stormy nights thou arrive
Sweeping the sweet sleep off my eyes
Hangovers and dark circles then darken my life
Is it only me who suffers and strive?

Thy never ending circle engulfs me whole
Friends and Family have now lost their ego
Girlfriends too have bid last goodbyes
There’s no one left now except my soul

But sometime soon this fever would end
Thou short term would lie etched in memory then
It is just my illusion though I know
Coz’ in every nook and corner of life you would show