Monday, 13 September 2010

MUTED MUTTERINGS

Sitting here within my padded room, I leaf through the pages of my mind and somewhere down the line I remember having told you: I Love You! I can’t remember how you reacted that time; I can’t even recall my own reaction. Was the disappointment too hard to hold, in my crammed up memory space?

The few songs I used to listen to have lost their value; their price; their importance in my life – just like you. That single tube light hanging from the weathered light post has also lost its eyesight; contrasting my own. In the Past I used to say – “Oh this is what it’s like to feel rain when there’s not a cloud in the sky. This is what it’s like to watch the leaves fall in July.”

But now the times have changed.
Now at night I write in Pain:

“I've felt the suspense,
of a heart so condensed
Being pulled apart,
only waiting until it relents!
The pain you've inflicted,
love you've depicted
Seems so out of reach,
seems so restricted
Spoken words sound cryptic,
sound unrealistic
When you hold me and hit me in rounds so ecliptic
The sun leaves our facade,
glee starts to fade
I'm left with a puddle of blood in the shade!
When light sheds its disguise, there in your eyes
Something I can’t describe still holds its ties.
Somehow, I can’t depart,
somehow, I won’t impart
Severe and potent is your grasp on my heart!
Passive; aggressive and abusive, really the truth is
The ways of this girl stay constantly elusive
These bruises stain,
these scars remain
These lies are becoming too much to contain
Morphing into a stranger, I feel the danger
Fear runs through my veins as you fill with anger
Vulnerability haunted bliss, constantly you taunted it
I've dug myself a bottomless pit,
no I never wanted this,
no I never wanted this,
Have I ever wanted this?”

I’ve lost my mind. I can feel a throbbing pain rushing out of it, departing to all parts of my sore body. But my temples haven’t turned red, and people take it as an excuse to say - I’m happy and gay!

Past is Lost Future Imperfect, still can’t stop thinking bout how I screwed It!

“And when you think about ten years from now
think of how it all turned out
wish it was exactly how you wanted it to be
I’ll remember about ten years ago
will you remember how it will go?
I bet you didn’t think we'd be digging ourselves holes

ten years from now we might be dead
Mislead youth will be left to rule instead
ten years ago we all were fed
all those empty thoughts within our heads
and we won’t be able to escape the end
Still wishful thinking holds our ends!”


You always said I had my share of luck.
But never understood that Lady Luck was just playing Hide and Seek like You! She was even harder to please than you. I wish I turn mute with time, could just sit here in my padded cell and write. Don’t want to give excuses to live, the one excuse I have still lives in this world with me. But then I go back to my haunted past, and wake up the skeletons lying anxiously in my closet; the demons dormant in my head: to just keep writing about you and me…


“As I sit cold on the outside,
I watch pass this dreadful night,
Can't see ahead,
Can't see above,
All I see is distress,
I want to sustain all this strain

If you'd have walked away easy,
This heart would need no explaining,
This dreadful night would hold no meaning,
And this life wouldn't be worth living

But I'm sorry I tried,
I tried to hold you day and night,
I'm sorry I ran for you,
I tested my heart,
And it was true

Tired of these feelings,
I would never win again,
These wounds have no healing,
You've become my sin,
my mind,
my life

I'm sorry I tried,
I'm sorry I thought,
Thought of winning your heart,
Thought of making you a part,
of my life...

You've become...
my sin...
my mind...
my life...”


Pushing through my textbooks I came across this eternal piece of Shakespeare, Pure Bliss, Pure Bliss - the day you realize you'd be half way through to me:-

“Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend
Nor services to do, till you require:

Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant adieu:

Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those: -

So true a fool is love, that in your will
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.”

Now my dear tell me what am I to do? Isn’t it worth a try to forget the past? Or am I to die like this evermore:

“Coz now when I see you I die a bit more.
Know I was left to pick my heart off the floor.
But I have to face facts, lie down and take it.
Yet I'm happy because I know that you'll make it.
You shine girl, positively glow.
And there's one last thing I want you to know,
You complete me,
That I know.”

How much more time is needed? How much more time to declare I’m dead? Blood drips from my eyes but this longing to see your end still drives me by. Do you remember that piece of shit I wrote, when you left me hanging in this decrepit noose?

Glancing through my shattered diary I came across this piece laughing at me:

“Today, my pottery heart got smashed...
you collected the ceramic remnants...
you breathed porcelain on my crestfallen wounds,
and coated the fractures with glaze...
your paint faded like an old movie poster,
but your presence vibrantly shone its rays...
until the paint was vivid enough
to outshine the sun on its brightest of days...
you told me to remember the moon...
it was our symbolic, enamored bouquet...

it was a corsage not composed of chrysanthemums
but the redolent scent of the sun gone away...
the unmistakable fragrance of that antique dish
hanging in the sky in the middle of the day...

today, my pottery heart got smashed...
I slipped on the shards and I fell for you...”


I don’t know why I’m writing this stuff, but who cares bout what others think; I’m too fucked up and people know it. But don’t mistake my crude sense of rhyme - a bane to the reverberating thoughts in my mind.
"I’m not here to please others; if I please you my love’s divine!"